Right now, im music bending somewhere out there probably. But i have time to start telling you the story so i will cuz i can. Be kind to me as you watch this unraveling of the world around your eyes begin, and may you return to The Universe when I am done with you, renewed, renewing, and renewable. Its all either that or waste, which nothing really ever is. And a very important doctor of sorts taught me that, well, in part at least. No usable rubbish nor piece of “mahalo” (inside joke) is unworthy of someone deciding it has/had value. Its the most lonely and painful lessons that are learned only when we DECIDE We Are Ready. We. Go. Now. Its complete.
You see, ONCE UPON A TIME I met a Flowbender named Brandon Elizares. I didn’t know it at the time, but he is one of the last flowbenders of Maui, in namesake and in blood, and he has lived a life I can’t even begin weave the story for you, and that’s okay. He’ll tell it for you himself one day. The only important thing you understand before we start, is how much he ends up being the superhero... of sorts.
Now you might ask, well, what are we holding our breath for? Get to the action scenes and the amazing feats of power against foes unimaginable and puzzles unsolvable against unbeatable odds!!!!!~~~ :DDD Well, my love, that’s not how the world works most of the time. Well, you can tell the world EXACTLY HOW you want it to work, don’t get me wrong. But like a computer or cell phone, most problems end up being that we forgot that the spiritual google exists.
My whole life I’ve spit epiphanies I had no reason to know the wisdom of. The only reason I can come up with is because of how beautifully, mostly alone we were in the forests of Big Sur, Ca, shining blue coastline with towering redwoods and carpets of the rusty needles speckled with pine cones, like a giant dead opposite version of the night sky with her stars. I always loved the way that orange and blue contrast against each other at dusk, when the orange is SO ORANGE but the blue is SO BLUE and you’re looking at someone’s face in that twilight, or dusk, or whatever the fuck. And you see both sides of them. The light and the dark. It's lit. they're lit. *** You geddit. K.
Anyway, back to the story at hand. You see, a flowbender isn’t someone who takes things from the universe when they don’t think they’re being offered freely. At first, Brandon and I flowed well together. However, after a while, the diamond around my soul started rotating in a maternal/offspring relationship style and our flow was inevitably corrupted. Without detail, to use a tech metaphor, I stopped giving him anything but corrupted information, and going on faith that I was being honest, he was his most honest self in response to what was in essence my actions.
I see that now. He contributed, but my inability to hear him was something we marveled at time and time again. But the beautiful thing about our relationship was even though everyone looking from the outside in on my side of the fence told me he was a bad human I should get away from for A LOT of REALLY GOOD REASONS and everyone he talked to on his side of the fence told him I was a BAD HUMAN for the same equally opposite reasons. I learned at American Idol that EVERYONE who shines a light, has someone who cares for them and is helping to cultivate that light in whatever form they can. Some people pulled themselves to those auditions. Me and the mirrors I saw were pushed by family (whether blood or chosen, perceived or real, I’m just talking here…) who wanted… what they couldn’t have through us.
I know now that every thing I ever did to him is not only because of my accidental addiction to pain, but because every thing had to happen exactly as it did for me to be here. And that’s really nice when I’ve got a lot of first world problems and first world solutions. But we need solutions and I’m tired of watching all of the fighting I”M DONE. We all think we’re so different. Categorizing, identifying, taking sides and eyes for eyes. And that’s okay. That’s all changing. Remember that magic I told you about?
Brandon and I met on a brisk October day at Pioneer Square in downtown Portland, 2016. I had just left a wonderful and heart opening meeting with my ever soon-to-be-ex-metaphorical husband, Jesse Folsom. He and his happy girlfriend Krys, are currently happily are enjoying the challenges of life together out in the midwest.
We sure were all there, but Brandon sure started the Bob Squaddiness of the four of us and eventually a few more in Oregon, at least as Bob Squad as we knew it to be. Baa Squuaa. Bob, just seemingly a shitty grin smiley face tattoo, originated with a story in Maui, and became a soul-deep familial connection with people i never otherwise would have. Now that i go back and think about it, it was almost if the fact ITSELF that we had performed a ritual so intense, primal, and simple, drawing that we were drawn into what ended up making us all look at each other very differently.
was also Pokemon style strings of call and responses of nothing but memes and songs and watching them just.... play. for hours on end together, almost never quite getting tired of each other. Until we got tired of ourselves, and then the cracks begin to show in any situation.
And so we allowed brandon to bend our flow in the place he succeeds best. Needs met. Healing, or trying to. As i inflicted the things i did to him psychologically, he stuck around. Complained a little. But as breadwinner, i wouldnt have much complaining. Ive always been, and hated, the whiner.
Even tho krys was down to work a cool lame high low paying job to support ALL of her friends (us) and whatever we needed. She would complain about an ex that did nothing and psychologically abused her. As she continued to allow us to take from her, as i squirmed in my own inability to be enough, i realized the only thing that drew the line between her exs maliciousness and her enabling US,
We were pretty darn good at being married, me and Jesse. He was the first person who ever taught me that with love and listening for your loved one’s nonverbal, personality quirks, you can figure out how to speak to even the most emotionally sensitive person with love and grace, humility and integrity...….to be continued…