Trying to remember the power of monologuing. I’m going to remember to ____. Because why not? I'm becoming my own best friend. I have a book with all of my life in it.
I could be tired, or I could decide that what I’m giving to the universe is so much, that I could request a couple extra energies to do that with and deal with the tired later if that’s what I wanna do, i’m doing nice things and I feel like I can ask that if I don’t think about it too long. Coocoona matata. I have too many things to say to slow down and besides since I'm cutting out cigarettes and soda I have the extra self detriment to spare and I feel like I'm doing at least myself, if not anyone else, any good, by talking to myself here as openly and fully as I can muster.
Bullies and the bullieds and the system can be looked at as an equation.. Just like the mind is kind of a product of the soul and body, managers are the product of owners who grew out of being their own employees, etc. Math was always supposed to be metaphorical. We broke up the universe into units because we kinda worship math now, but it’s too stuffy and self important to honestly represent life as we know it in its chaotic beauty. We're smart enough to start looking at the racial units (stereotypes) that we broke everyone up into. They serve SOME purpose, but we're aware equal rights and try to behave as such so those things don't really matter.
We’re living our lives in the opposite direction. Instead of these are the numbers of living, they are suddenly the numbers and identifications to live by. Its about the zero character but he sure ended up awesome.
I watched people fall into the fallacy of, “because I know I should be grateful for the positivity of the problem I have, I should now prepare for the worst mentally”. But not when the worst is sitting there saying the things that are gonna hurt you because you were hurt before! You have to remember the last couple of times you managed to pull it out of the air. Make giant connections happen with people and do epic shit.
If I’m as right as I think about how much imagination forms our reality, then there’s a reality where cigarettes weren’t a poison at first, when it started out. It had health benefits, and it got overused, and it lost its power, and it became pervasive. The science of what’s in them now doesn’t matter (other than the fact that we're literally group thinking ourselves to death), the facts are there is corruption in all levels of power and therefore they put poison in the tobacco because it sells more tobacco, but only because we had poisoned it by overuse.... It’s greed that was introduced. Negativity of a kind. Back to the twinkie theory. If you think it, so you become. I started talking about the 90yr olds who die after indulging more over a lifetime than some kids who OD at 29. What is the difference? Habit, not vice. Enough moderation. Enough on both sides of a sustainable equation. Take, and give and take. More on this later.
I think we group thought marijuana and all herbs into existing (and most of reality). We group thought tobacco into being a poison thru overuse. Science doesn’t work to paint a full picture of a “fact” unless the theory gets tested constantly throughout history
The reason that people who have a large (gregarious/overbearing personality) piss me off is BECAUSE I make people let me be exactly who the fuck I need to be and everybody just pretends it and we all agree with this fucking idea that I have decided to have of me, or I get pissy at people until they conform.
The more I find myself experiencing an almost uncontrollable rage and bad things and other people the more i see what the fuck I need to about myself. Because, I wouldn’t be trying to reassign those to other people who can be wrathfully gotten fucked but why am I telling myself to go fuck myself to quite this level.
People reach out in their hurt, but they do it “wrong,” according to the jamba idea of how feelings/facts/experience should be handled, which is if they’re uncomfortable or inconvenient, hide them and don’t talk about them.
When I allow my judgement matrix to exist for myself, anyone who falls into my “me” sphere of codependency that my anti relies on to get her jollies instead of going and getting them from the world at large like a person normally would. Resentment, judgement, laziness, depression, anger, lust, gluttony,
3/27/18 BODY/MIND/SOUL UPDATES
At this point the two main things that are weighing on my psyche is how unsupportive I’ve been to my top priorities, me and fam. I haven’t been taking care of myself enough to give them the room that’s healthy. I don’t want to just keep going, oh hey, I’m annoyable and you’re here, annoying me. How bout I just all this anxiety and frustration and blame this on you just cuz you’re here. I may or may not have asked for your help, knowing you’re a human who also is experiencing soulular damage. Yay.
I came up with creative reasons to buy packs and smoked them im 24 hrs a piece. Having enough weed is good, but looking at these emotions to see what I’m trying to tell myself is paramount otherwise i’mma go nuclear on someone I love because i have to expend Anti’s jollies somehow.
I will periodically give myself a bunch of slack, and then suddenly have a dearth of it to give by the time its time to sit down and start kicking butt. Great place to start out a creative project, stressing about the fact I sat down for two seconds.
I’m talking it thru but I’m still feeling the panic in my chest so I gotta take a deep breath. I gotta commit to doing something about this. Could be as simple as making my project sheets.
Ways to flake less, plans for future, where do I see this going, am I giving too much? Scientific things to pay attention to because people manipulate and I am manipulable and the thing I’ve always told the boys is write it down. I do a good job of trying. Keeping a paper and pen on me. Sticking to a few things in a day.